In today’s dating world it can feel like a game and as if you have to play by the rules. This often makes people, especially women hesitant to share their feelings, especially fears and insecurities. There might be anxiety around coming across as too needy or too clingy. Finding the balance between opening up and not “scaring someone off” can seem impossible and lead to someone closing off. However, by not sharing one’s feelings, one’es needs may not be met and that can lead to anger, resentment, and the ultimate undoing of the relationship. Follow the link below to find tips for women provided by mental health and relationship experts on how to overcome this fear of pushing your partner away and share your thoughts and feelings with him. Check out #15 or see below for my thoughts.
The key is to make sure that you are on the same page as your partner. Here is how you can effectively do so:
When thinking about the relationship, make sure you are being present focused and ask yourself what point is the relationship actually at.
People often think differently and might move at different paces. Some people may have a tendency to jump ahead when meeting someone they are interested in. They start picturing a long term future together and are steps ahead of where their partner is. Sometimes when this happens, one’s expectations are not realistic to the current state of the relationship. That is where you find yourself scaring the other person off. When you feel upset about something in the relationship or feel a need isn’t being met, first just check in with yourself and make sure your emotions are based on the here and now.
Listen to what your partner is saying.
People sometimes have selective hearing and hear what they want. In the movie “How to Be single,” one of the leading men proves this by going up to a girl he is casually dating and giving this whole speech about how he really likes her but he wants to keep things casual and see other people. At the end her response is “aw that is so sweet I really like you too.” She completely ignored the second part of what he said and only focused on the first. While this is a movie and a little bit extreme of an example, it has a basis in reality. Often times if you really listen to what your partner says and the feedback they give about the relationship you will be able to gauge more accurately where their head is and what they think about the relationship.
Do not to project meaning onto things your partner does and says. A problem that is not there can be created when this is done. Therefore, make sure to react to facts, not assumed meanings. For example, someone was just telling me that her boyfriend is at camp for the summer. The camp is 3 hours from her house and they talked about her coming up to visit him. He told her that he feels bad that she has to travel all that time just to see him. She then started thinking “oh my god he doesn’t want to see me, he must not really like me.” When checking the facts, she can see that he never said or implied that.
Once you have done all of this, how do you then express your feelings, fears, and insecurities?
Describe, express, assert, reinforce. This means describe the facts of the situation, express your feelings, assert what you want, and reinforce the other person, showing them what they can get out of meeting your needs. This makes it very clear what you want without putting the other person on the defensive.